Jokes about grandmothers

Grandma with low vision is so fond of cats, that 3 days otpaivala discarded milk cap.

During the wedding, my grandmother, while reading a poem with the cards, got lost, get into a fuss, she said... I'm better in your own words, and moved to the obscene limericks....

Dialogue grandmother and rescue service operator:.
- Darling! .
- Granny, she will sit, sit, and get off.
- And if you can not? .
- Granny! .

In order not to confuse cats, one named Murzik grandmother and the other drowned.



At the entrance there was no young girls and grandmothers on the bench as a prostitute named caretaker.

International competition among grandmothers knitting:.
- Russian grandmother knitted socks;.
- Dutch grandmother was not able to connect two words;.
- Chinese grandmother knitted iPhone;.
- Somali grandmother of all grandmothers knitted and demanded $ 3 million.

- Granny and grannies, let RR 5.
- What?.
- Give me five rubles!.
- What?.
- Give me 10 rubles!.
- Well you asked for 5!?.

Grandmother, who knows how to write text messages, call friends in the courtyard of a witch.

A call to an emergency Gorgaza:.
- Sons of what. Stove in the morning included, and the gas does not burn!.
- Grandma, and you lit a match?.
- Oh, now I will kindle.

A foreigner comes to the Russian abandoned village. He saw - Grandma for chasing geese and shouting: ... A man does not understand why she calls the geese dogs.
I decided to ask for Grandma. says:.
- Granny, it's the geese??.
- Well, geese, you cho blind?.
- Why do you call them dogs?.
- And because these pigs have trampled my whole garden!.

bell. An old woman's voice:.
- And hto there?.
Same old woman's voice:.
- STE I, Seraphim, on the third floor of the Thekla!.
- What to prove?.
- I can show the pension. Do you see?.
- No. I can not take out my eye.
- Do you put tubaretochku.
The sound of shuffling steps, installed stools.
- So what? .
The thunder of the falling stools, body.
- ( Muffled ), Thekla, you are what?.
- Yes, I.
- Call the ambulance.

My grandmother delightfully considering bathing suit granddaughter.
- Oh, if I were a young man could wear a bathing suit, what was you had a grandfather!.

There are two grandmothers once, for 80 years each, the other one says:.
- I've heard in a new sex shop opened?.
- Food or business?.

summer. village. Grandmother sitting next to houses. Past the Corps is directed away. One grandmother looked at the commander and the other says so calmly:.
- Oh, the military pulled out the map. Right now the road will be asking.

- Grandmother, why do you have such big eyes?.
- Grandson gown Smell!.

They talk to two of the deaf old woman:.
- Oh, very poor harvest this year!.
Cucumbers - these are (shows middle finger ), tomatoes - these are ( ring twists of the thumb and forefinger ).
Another old woman:.
- Yes, you do not kill it! .

A young girl comes home and explains what the market saw a cucumber, accompanying gestures said:.
- In - a -length from the. Ten inches in diameter.
Blind grandmother shakes her head:.
- This, of course, great, but the main thing that got married!.

Grandma comes to the clinic and says:.
- Darling, I am the other day urine analysis yielded the result is ready?.
- Granny, you are brought sunflower oil instead of urine.
- Won FAQ, but I still think this is why I have potatoes and burnt burnt.

Walking down the street an old grandma. In both hands on the bag. One small and one large. From the big crashes every 10 steps 50- ruble banknote. It saw the police and stopped the grandmother:.
- Citizen, you have money flying out of the bag.
Granny turns:.
- Thank you, son, you need to go back to collect.
But the police will not let my grandmother:.
- Where did you get so much money? .
old woman:.
- She did not, I just live near the stadium, and when one of the fans running into the bushes beside a pee my entrance, I stand behind the bushes uzho with scissors, and say ' Or 50 rubles, or cut off '.
Police said:.
- And, of course... By the way, good idea! .
old woman:.
- Well, it. Not everyone is paying....

Grandson opens the door. On the threshold of his own grandmother. He:.
- Oh, Grandma! .
- This is where you picked up such bad words?.
- Mom....
- I wonder if your mother who plucked them?.
- He says that you have....
- Do not believe it! .

Grandma was sitting on a bench and crying. Passes by a guy:.
- Grandma, you have offended someone? .
- Oh, grandson, my wallet was stolen with all my money....
- And a lot of money was there, Grandma?.
- Many grandson, one hundred and fifty rubles....
- Grandma 's take a hundred and fifty rubles, but please do not cry.
- Wait a grandson, and maybe you and you give me the purse?.

Grandma came into the store to buy galoshes, she chose a pair, and for them the box was not. In the end, she put them in a box with the inscription: '1000 condom '. Grandma bought them and went home by bus. At one stop in the bus comes to a girl and get on against the Old ladies. I saw the box, was surprised and asked:.
- My grandmother, but you do not have a lot?.
Old woman replied:.
- What are you, granddaughter. Since my grandfather shuffles - and a week is not enough.

- My grandmother, read me something for the night.
- What, for example?.
- Read the rap!.

- In life, nothing is eternal.
- Well, not say. Here, for example, you were born, then kindergarten, then school, then graduated and went to work, got married and now you have with your children go out for a walk, and my grandmother at the door all the same.

86- year-old grandmother went on a date with a 95 -year-old grandfather. When she returned home, the granddaughter asked her:.
- My grandmother has passed a date? .
- You know, I hit him on the cheek several times.
- Granny, he molested you?.
- No. I thought he was dead.

Sitting at the entrance of two grannies:.
- Hey, P., and know why the entrance lights disappear?.
- The one kind of nit tyrit....
- That is not... Panimash, eating their young!.
- Lyakseevna, you do have survived from the mind!.
- Yes, I swear, P.! .
- Will you?.
A girl stands ponimash, Menjou, then it means the guy to her and says:.
- Yes, where are you getting around it... - and panimash, then twist the bulb, and then adds in the dark:.
- Come on, open your mouth wider! .

My grandmother came from the countryside into the city, a visit to his daughter. A teenage grandson asked her:.
- Grandma, and I brought a gift?.
- Yes, the grandson, I brought you strawberries... Five CDs!.

An old woman on the bench complaining about the other:.
- Yes, damn, these newlyweds! .
- Well, clearly, the young temperamental, krovushka rages....
- Yes, what there is seething... All night enclose the ears to the wall, have erased them completely... I do not hear!.

With the new, 2012!

Dear friends! . I heartily congratulate you with the already matured, 2012!.

Let bring warmth into your home.

Magic Dragon goodness!.

The culprit of the winter feast,.

Defender of good health.

Fire burn up troubles,.

Swallow the last days of care.

On your side now.

The winged, strong beast of a wonderful.

He knows exactly in advance -.

You will find a happy New Year!.

Happy New Year!.

Boring professionals VS superheroes

In my opinion, the main error of the voters (the total for the countries of the fragments of the Soviet Union ) - Search the bright leader, sneaking Spider-Man, Batman and Catwoman.


Read:.

Working with the XAP - details invisible to the eye

The worse is working Sape, the more I look in terms of optimizing for other exchanges. Before the panel optimizer Sape was an accomplishment, but today I could not even enter into it. So I'm slowly mastering the other panels, but at the same time I will share with you my observations.

Exchange XAP different automatic mechanism exhibiting a dual system of prices and sales options: manual and automatic. The answer to the questions my future correspondents, I use only auto- buying - to sit and pick up links to their sites I'm too lazy.

Adding sites to the system - something very simple. The main difference from Sape - this is what the name for the folder you set for yourself, as identified by the code of your login. T. e. to get started with ksapoy you should upload a folder on the server, ask it a unique name, to make inserting the code on the site, where to register your name for the folder, and your username in the system.

Ksapopkod arranged in such a way that begins to collect information on the website immediately after installing itself on the site. T. e. on each page load ksapokod will create it ksapokesh in its own folder, not taking into account the site you have added to the stock exchange or not. T. e. a well- visited site (even search bots ) at the time of adding the site to the system will already be a few pages indexed. To make them even more, I advise you drive your site pumping program site entirely ( disable images for faster loading ), such as Teleport Pro.

The mechanism of adding a site in the system even easier. Click the Add button site, a few words about the site, and all. After that, the site is sent to the moderation. Here and start small differences to be aware of.

Yesterday, we did dobesedovalis with Diane (moderator ksapy ) on the preferred number of links to add the project. Your project, if it zero puzomerki must have backlinks. And the more the better. For example, from one hundred bekov. To create that, you can use very inexpensive same ksapoy. ) Or relink their projects. Or make a run for catalogs. It does not matter how, but backlinks are to be. Without them, your site is not needed ksape.

The project submitted for moderation will be different in appearance from the past it has. So, after the passage of moderation, or it will disappear from the list, or change its appearance and can be configured to operate it.

If the project failed - do not worry. It is necessary to increase the number of bekov to go back and. In general, experience optimization projects tells me that bekov 100-200 from the second page gives an increase titsistyh pages 10-20. For PR need to buy links only pages PeaRistyh. Tablets PR surge is on the Internet. Actually ksape and it is.

If the project has passed, but the pages are not indexed, read the how to push above indexation. If the links do not sell well, wait. In my experience, two months, everything is sold. Just ksapa buys once and bursts links.

The conversation will end the sale, the questions in the comments. I can still recommend reading. experience in the Yellow Blogger. to optimize sales ksape. Personally, I am too lazy to do it. But if you have patience, you can squeeze out more ksapy.

Now move on to where we began - with the help of the optimization ksapy. One of the most important elements of optimization is link building. Of course, you can get a natural increase, but purchase helps to get the draft in the top faster than sickle. After the draft, anyway, is finite. And to optimize the site itself - the work is essentially a one-time. Everything else is already working to build a reference.

And the more we can help ksapa? .

Buying links in ksape organized in three phases. The first - a selection of categories, the second - linking references to the campaign, the third - an indication of the system on purchasing.

Let us consider in more detail at every stage. I must say, I thought long to take is not taking ksape links because of the unusual interface. It is hard to get used to the absence of the usual search form. Form for selection ksape consists of a selection of categories tick, tick, and the same parameters for TCI and PR. We should do a psychological stress and to understand that the possible number of links at the bottom of this form - no more than the assumption of thresholds for. And, in fact - just the job for the door when you buy a robot. T. e. then you can increase the number of options, spreading other options for purchasing.

From communication with Diana, I realized that the best way because of the nature of the system to do more than one company, and some for one site. For example, to buy cheap options - one, for the purchase of tITsistyh links ( expensive) - another. Then the result will be more accurate and closer to your requirements specification.

So, you have chosen the desired restrictions on the parameters and categories. Now go to the second step. In the second step we need to replenish the project links. That's honestly the first two ways I still do not understand. And we do not need any hitromudrostey. We choose the simplest and most correct: I've found do, where to put this line of text links - one per line.

Important! . Better than 50 companies on a website than a company with links to 50 sites. Yes, and I do not understand how something can then be understood in the effectiveness of the campaign. What links a shot, even though something worked or not.

Example file with links attached in the form of campaign. You can download and watch it.

After adding the links go to the third step. There should expose conditions on purchasing. Actually, the conditions a little bit - with a maximum of procurement of each step in the TCI ( of the selected checkboxes in the first step ), the maximum number from one site ( 10 by default), the maximum number of links in general on the campaign. There is only one thing - the amount of steps TCI may be greater than the total number of links. Oh, that is in the system, the robot will be purchasing. And to what borders it gets faster, then so be it.

After completion of the campaign, it is sent for moderation. And after moderation for purchase. For example: I have ordered all 1500 options, put the steps in the amount of CY 2000 links, purchased as a result of 940 references (10 to a maximum of 1 site ).

After the purchase is an opportunity for two days to refuse placement of links, without loss of funds.

General conclusions: ksapa - a system for the lazy. This is a plus and minus. Plus - a lot is being done in automatic mode. Minus - the whole campaign would have to do tuning hands. T. e. view a list of links and to remove unnecessary. On the other hand, the prices are so ridiculous that you do not want to do it. Venture, he is the venture.

Another point about the number of links. I think the majority of purchases with the number of links to a site - 10. T. e. 2000 options will be equal to about 200 in Sapa. T. e. are obtained as a reference poluskvoznye. Even Diana advises for different sites spread creating campaigns for the day that sites are not a robot were run on a single database of sites.

To work or not work with ksapoy - it's been you. Personally, I have already created one campaign. Waiting for results. If there are - start slowly move into suitable projects ksapu.

Related links:. XAP. ru.

--------------------------.

Satellite-X. Now you can buy for the hryvnia!.

Yesterday added. Setlinks. 20 sites, all were moderate. We are waiting for sales.

I recommend an interesting study

http://socvestnik. ru/2009/08/01/razorfish-influence /.

Breaking news: Okean Elzy on iTunes

Some time ago, Bass Godska promised that I will have the first opportunity to publish this news. So, Okean Elzy is now officially available on iTunes for our ' out there ' or Nenashev. to be continued.

---------- Forwarded message ----------.
From: Bas Godska | Gogol.
Date: 2011/7/22.
Subject: as promised - you're the first.
To: Denis Dovgopoliy.


Breaking news: Okean Elzy launched on iTunes worldwide (except Russia / Ukraine) by. Gogol. ;-).

Crisis.

The first was related to managers, who survived due to the credit of the pyramids. They took the credit, leveled production - already it's time to take a second loan in order to return the first. And with the growing volume of the year, but rising deficit and debt. And as soon stopped giving loans, almost all such companies or have fallen under the wing of the state, or significantly reduced activity, or even stop it.

The second series connected with those who shout the loudest in December and January that there is no crisis. Among them is a friend of mine - the owner of a small jeweler's small factory. In December, January and February, even all of it was fluffy, were sent, and here in the spring on you, and are broken. Based on yesterday's phone call and try to return to the subject site, as much forgotten five years ago - things are not so hot for him today: 80 % of customers have stopped buying and idle capacity.

Fat, gained 100 % of the profits allowed many to survive the winter safely. Say what you like, but the summer season 2008. was a success. Many have made such a liquidity reserve that when things started to fall in October - they were passing out of habit to fall on their own reserves, the crisis did not notice. Continued purchases in the previous volumes, the salary paid. When the builders of moaning from the downtime, the company looked at them with surprise. In winter, it was even a revival - many then thought that the crisis had already begun to reduce the speed.

In fact, began the withdrawal of money from a dying business. And where had ordered one but a big client, are now ordered a lot, but small. Small, but would like all grown-up, at least, familiar with the advertisers are happy to report that even in the corporate identity is orders. And as our regular supplier of digital printing right into the conversation said that although most of the old customers drew off, the new income levels restored to its previous state.

January and February for those who live season, the most incomprehensible months. Many celebrations, reports - continuous confusion in the minds of customers and better to wait than to seek orders. Zahazhivaya to friends, I saw the same picture: the syndrome of waiting. Well, suddenly blow over and the season begins in March. The stock - that is, fat. But in March, the season has not started. Then they waited in April. But April was a dry. Now go and May pustovato.

all. stocks ended. It's time to start living a new way. Those who came to cut costs in November, is get out and look with optimism to the future. But those who hoped for a season - are coming strong shocks. Then you and the massive layoffs and reductions of seemingly stable companies. And the massive salary cut-off function. Now read on a forum that Latvia has left almost no family where at least one unemployed person does not. A woman's work is mainly. In general, something like this could develop by the fall.

Meanwhile, disturbing phone calls come one after another from different locations and industries. And everything - from those who had hoped to somehow make it to season. It did not work, do not have lasted. Although it was not worth anything to begin to tighten belts even in the winter. But it could shake the image of the company's stable, probably. Do not know. If so, it will now be doubly hurtful. Even worse would be only to those companies that are known to be sitting on a powder keg, passed through the crucible of first rate - it could not help, just drew off the inevitable finale to the summer. Now the losses will be even stronger, and for whom, and at all fatal.

For those who did not understand, explain: this crisis has revealed the total inadequacy of the current business model, where each successive round was achieved not due to increased demand, but due to the artificial stimulation of the aircraft loans and investments. This situation has led to what is a good idea to survive and even develop those who built their business not on new loans and attract investment, but based on real demand and supply. There is a demand - here's the goods. Money in the morning - evening Chairs. There are also successes are of different nature, but, in general, such companies managed to maintain and staff, and even the rate of return is not diminished. And the income, profits have fallen in all. They could not be so large.

Separate song - gosbiznes. But wait until the end of the year, you see, live to see the default of one of the states in Europe and our neighbors. It is, I must say, the likely scenario. Let's wait and see. In an interesting time we live.

---------------------------------.
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TheFunded we infopartner (IDCEE)

TheFunded. com. our media partner. It also. Sidkempa. We still agree with. Tekranchem English. and all will be well.

Moscow -Vilnius -Moscow from

Flight schedule is as follows:.
Monday and Sunday - departure from ... 00.
Thursday - departures at 16. 55.
Saturday- 8 crash. 50.

XAP

The system does not change prices that Plekhov, drain the system for long pages indexed in the database for subsequent sale, but when it is their podsoset - three months later, the result will exceed your expectations! .

In general, I advise to put together with the sap.
Consulting only refam.

signup here.

' Yandex ' separate from classmates classmates

Investors are spending millions of dollars to purchase online social networks such as Odnoklassniki. ru or Moikrug. ru, although until now it was not clear how they can capitalize on these resources. Holding ' Yandex ' the first to suggest a way: he was going to enter into agreements with the networks access to the database users to display their ads in runet depending on age and sex (the service is so-called socio- demographic targeting for advertisers ). Holding is negotiating with Odnoklassniki. ru.

' Yandex ' he is investing in social networks - in March this year, gained the holding Moikrug. ru ( more than 1 million registered users) to -5,000,000, according to expert estimates. Odnoklassniki. ru ( 6,000,000 users) cost the Latvian company Forticom expensive - the fall of 2007, it acquired 30 % of the network about a million, analysts estimate. How will the investment pay off, and the buyers did not know, according to kommersant. ru.

The fact that the holding company is testing a system of socio- demographic targeting, online advertising, said yesterday the chief editor of ' Yandex ' Kolmanovskaya Helen: ' I can not say exactly when the testing is completed. I believe that by the spring of 2008 we will be able to offer advertisers distinct advertising product '. Targeting (from the English. target - ' target' ) allows you to advertise certain products potentially interested in these products groups. Targeting can be done by geographic location, gender, age, social status, etc. Socio- demographic targeting allows, for example, display advertising sports car only to adult men.

Commercial Director ' Yandex ' Alexei Tretiakov Brand Online at the conference said that the company is close to signing agreements with social networks on access to information of their users. Who is advertising system ' Yandex. Direct ' targetiruet ads on search queries (so-called contextual advertising: if you, for example, are often requested in the' Yandex ' information on the TV, then you will advertise this particular product), and using social networks will be - by sex and age.

To do this, computer users of social networks will be written to a file called cookie ( allows owners of other sites to identify a user when visiting their site), which will contain information on sex and age by. This file will transfer stored information to an advertising network ' Yandex '.

The representative of the social network Vkontakte. ru Durov Paul denies talks with ' by Yandex '. But the project manager Odnoklassniki. ru Albert Popkov confirmed their. Yandex '' ' offered to replace a system of contextual advertising Google AdSense, which we use. But while the Russian portal has not made an interesting proposal ... According to him, at the end of the year a massive target, based on gender, age, and users can begin to advertisements placed on the site Odnoklassniki. ru.

What is the price ' Yandex ' user information Odnoklassniki. ru, Mr. Popkov could not even imagine - unprecedented sale of such information has not yet been. To develop a system targeting ' Yandex ' could spend up to million, assumed CEO Happy Web Makers Stanislav Borissov. Even target my ads to users' requests are for sale on the ' Yandex ' twice as expensive as usual - from 75 thousand. rub. to 1.65 million rubles. per package, depending on the number of hits (at least - 5 million per day, maximum - 150 million per week).

Investment Director Venture Fund ABRT Mityushin Nicholas recalled that the U.S. Facebook. com also announced the creation of its own advertising network with the possibility of socio- demographic targeting. For whatever advertising model may go social networks, the demand for targeted advertising is growing rapidly, adds CEO Arsen Revazov IMHO VI. ' It is difficult to say how targeting will accelerate the growth of the content. We expect that next year the amount of content will increase by at least 50 % ', - said Mr. Revazov. According to Mindshare Interaction, the market for contextual advertising in 2007 will be about 0,000,000.

Internet. ru.

Infer sites in the top 10

In general, infer a little. As a result, the white theme, Yash credited me 200 out of 300 purchases, I see a distinct increase in related MF. But a lot of backlinks, as I understand, has not yet reached the indexing - did not take the muzzle, the level of only 2-3.

On the contrary took only porn faces. Up to 13 pages crawled and rolled at 42. A week. But here we must explain that I 'm moving budget: compaction, backlinks with their own CJ, plus a pretty lousy the muzzle of the m-links. ru - I hung out there 400 bucks, that's them and fired. A normal website there is no long-.

Today held a mini- consultation on the promotion of the project on ' car hire '. A common mistake a beginner - made ​​a bid to blunt purchase options. Although the major rewrite ( skopiraytil ) good. But the second page is not processed briskly. A link to the complete garbage - a lot, does not mean quality.

We talked, worked out a plan, I wish the time a person remains a little. There's actually a two-month plan for natural. In general, contact. I do not mind to share experiences. Ambulance runs almost round the clock.

Someone wise said, and I repeat:. ' if you will be better, then I can be proud of his students, if not - then I did the best '.

Though like it except for me because no one spoke. :).

Cybertron cloned Asus Eee PC

Sales growth -known Eee PC subnotebook from Asus' every day creates more and more envious. At this time, the company decided to create Cybertron his device of a similar level and did not find anything better than to simply clone the invention of Asus. The result of this decision was the appearance of subnotebook CM900, which is like two peas in a pod similar to the Eee PC. It is made ​​in the case of black plastic and is now available at a price of U.S. $ 350.

Specifications:.
- 7 -inch WVGA- display with a resolution of 800x480 pixels;.
- Intel Celeron M processor 353, chipset Intel 910GML;.
- Intel GMA 900 graphics card;.
- 512 MB ​​of memory standard DDR2 ( 1GB maximum );.
- SSD- drive capacity of 2 GB;.
- WiFi module 802. 11b / g;.
- The operating system Linux, but is compatible with Windows XP;.
- Three USB- ports, one RJ-45 connector, headphone jack, the output of the microphone, card reader;.
- Weight of 920 g.
Price: $ 350.

Phone Fly Mobile, which emulates the Nintendo

Mobile phone Fly MC100 is another attempt by the manufacturer to draw the attention of consumers at the expense of the original functions. This device, however, does not turn into a robot -transformer, but it allows you to enjoy the good old games designed for consoles such as NES (Dendy), SNES (Super Nintendo), Game Boy and Game Boy Color. So the owner of this handset will be able to kill your spare time with such popular games as Mario, Sonic, Streetfighter, Tetris or Pokemon. Fly MC100 has a QVGA-display (240x320 pixels), equipped with audio chip Yamaha, 2- megapixel camera, slot for memory cards microSD, FM- receiver, and allows you to send / receive e-mails and listen to MP3- music. The cost of this tube - 270 U.S. dollars.

Vodafone has announced a tablet Smart Tab 7 and 10 Tablets

If you live in Germany, or find yourself there in the near future, look at the nearest office of Vodafone. After all, the company intends to release in the near future two new Android- tablet - Smart Tab 7 and 10 Smart Tab.

Work on the new dual-core Qualcomm processor with a frequency of 1. 2GHz, running Google Android 3. 2 Honeycomb, offering up to 32GB of constant and memory 5-megapixel and 2 megapixel camera.

Release Tablets is scheduled for November this year. Only here the price, unfortunately is not yet known.

' Source: Ubergizmo. com '.

The line multimedia player Zune is officially closed

Despite the recent firmware update (in August) line of players. Microsoft Zune. can be officially considered dead. This was announced she. Microsoft. Discussions and rumors about this for a long time there were. A few days ago the player. Zune HD. generally removed from the official site of the line players, but then was returned.
In a statement, Microsoft said that although more players in this series will not be released, users. bought the player. will still have access to virtually all services Zune:.

... We will focus all their efforts to develop and promote the platform Windows Phone, as well as music and video sharing. Zune Players will no longer be issued. What does this mean for our current users Zune? . All those who purchased these players will be able to work with Zune services. Customer support remains for us an important component of. ...

Source: Zune. net.